1.16.2003
I supposed "I'm tired of being me" isn't quite right. I guess i basically like being me, except when it makes things hard. Loving too much, caring too much, all about things that probably either don't matter, or that will leave me deflated and hearbroken in the end. I need to learn to stop caring. I have to get back to the way i was when i first lost Alea. Unflappable, nothing could bother me, man. I didn't let anything in, i didn't want to, and that's the way it should've stayed. Then i started letting people in. Kris, my friends, the center kids, and now i'm nothing. I lost my friends, i'm going to ditch the center soon enough, and it certainly feels like i'm going to lose Kris, too. My friends i can wash my hands of, i've already mostly done it. The center is just the internet. Whether that's true or not, i can certainly tell myself that, can't I? Kris, however, is something of a different story. As i feel her slipping away from me, i feel some of those old feelings coming back. This perfect mixture of anger, agression, and blinding pain that just makes me want to close my eyes to the rest of the world and die right on the spot. I want to say "decide something!" either talk to me or get the rest of the way out of my life, but i can't. Anytime i talk to her now, it just seems labored on both sides of the conversation. If you were to ask me right now, i'd say she doesn't even want me to come out there this summer. The way things are going, i don't know that i want to right now, either.
Oh well, shit sucks. Death is the only great adventure.
posted at 22:02
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Well, only about 5 more hours until chelle gets home. I dunno what i'm gonna do for the duration of that time. Fuck this place, my roommates, my "friends", everyone. I'm tired of being me, and dealing with the things that come with being me.
posted at 17:22
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I seem to fall into this desperate melancholy whenever michelle leaves. Currently it's being topped off by the fact that Kris won't talk to me, for whatever reason. I keep turning my alerts off at night, because they wake joe up if i forget to turn my speakers off, and i'll be talking away to gambit or lucy online, and then i'll look and kris has come online and then gone to away, or i'll hear an offline sound, and when i check, it's her. I'm not sure what i've done, but i'm sure it's not good. One by one, i alienate all my friends, somehow. Stay away, kids, I eat brains! (i warned you all once, you didn't listen)
posted at 15:59
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1.15.2003
Tonight is Andy's "sending off" party. He insisted that i be there. He says he "has something for me." I know it's bullshit, but he used to be a good friend to me, so i'll go. I'll probably never see him again after he moves away.
posted at 22:22
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1.14.2003
DBZCenter.com: Dumpage
Nice guys finish last because they stop to help pick up the people who've tripped.
I used to be a nice guy once. I got over it when i realized nobody cared how i really felt when it came time to stop being the "nice guy"
At that point, i realized that being the nice guy will get you nothing but pain.
posted at 11:17
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I feel so cold and angry to everyone. I'm closed off from every last person I love, or think I love, and I honestly could care less. I'm about -- this close from dropping and cutting all ties with everyone. Everyone. No, wait. I'd stay for Maya. Things are as equally bad for her right now and she could use a real friend. Even though I haven't told her about my issues, or about Mel, she's still been here.
Currently, i'm not sure how i feel about this. Give me a few hours and a little sleep for it to work its way around my brain once. I hope this doesn't effect this summer.
posted at 10:50
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Here we go again with the no sleeping thing. I managed to stay up til noon, then slept for 6 hours, and that was all the sleep i needed...so now i can't sleep again.
"When you have insomnia, you're never really awake, but you're never really asleep."posted at 06:35
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1.13.2003
The way the day started off, i was really worried about how shitty today would end up being. All in all, it about broke even. I got to play cards and have cokes with the guys, but michelle and i had a fight and cj was being a bitch for the first part of the day.
It's 9:36am here now, and i'm trying to stay awake for the rest of the day, so i can get some real sleep at a reasonable hour tonight :)
posted at 09:32
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1.12.2003
If a human being could still walk without knees, i would chop mine off right now. This is regoddamndiculous.
posted at 05:44
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